Humour – Page 2 – Random Ramblings

Mentally straight and Dentally crooked !

Whenever. I think of NDA (National Defence Academy), it is always with a mixed feeling. On one hand, it is truly a Cradle for Leadership where an unsure youngster is slowly and surely turned into a confident young man. On the other hand one also gets to see some mindless rituals and extreme sadism which pass for training, particularly when practised on unsuspecting teenagers, ironically by other teenagers. If an alumnus says that he enjoyed his first term there, either he is a consanguineous liar or a die hard masochist.

Be that as it may, every first termer looked forward to an escape route . There were lucky ones who were part of some Squadron sports team and at least for the duration of that sport event , they got a respite from day to day ‘ragada.’ . Everyone needed a break to maintain a semblance of sanity. For my own mental stability , what came to the rescue was my ‘dental instability’. It is this dental escapade that I am writing about.

I had , and still have a really crooked set of teeth. At NDA, at the very first visit to the Hospital for a routine check up,a dental surgeon from Pune happened to be there. This surgeon was absolutely fascinated by my teeth; well formed ,strong but set in two distinct rows. He must have loved cosmetic dental surgery, and couldn’t resist having a shot at putting them all in one line.

He patiently explained to me that he could align all my teeth in a perfect row and that there would be no gaps whatsoever; it would be like a perfect set of pearls ! Of course , he told me, it would require pulling out three good teeth, to make way for the unruly ones. The full import of his proposal did not hit me then, and all I registered was that ‘I would get a chance to get away from the academy and seek refuge in the hospital , at regular intervals.

So the treatment started. At the Academy, the highest priority was accorded to a call from the medical authorities , and the 2” x 4“ chit bearing the date on which I had to report to Command Military Dental Centre , (CMDC for short) was my passport to a well earned break. On the appointed day, I told my course-mates, that I was ‘proceeding to CMDC’ and reported to the Military Hospital after breakfast. From there a bus took us to the military Hospitals at Pune and Kirkee. A first termer could sleep anywhere, any time and I slept in the bus and later in the CMDC waiting room. There were times I got to meet my dentist and there were times , he was too busy to meet me and in either case I got my next date. At least on one occasion, no one noticed me in the Waiting room till it was time to leave and I was simply given a chit for the next date.

The treatment involved , taking x -rays, preparing moulds and all this took a number of visits, unlike the present times. Three months passed and it was soon time for the end of term activities. So one fine day, the dentist realized that my term break would upset his schedule for treatment and he decided to postpone the actual surgery to the next term.

The next term was a different story altogether. I never again went anywhere near the Dental Centre except for a routine check up by the GD (general Duty) dentist, who was not interested in any fancy surgery, and only the smokers among the batch were dished out ‘chits’ for scaling.

So ended my cosmetic surgery , even before it started and into the last year of my service, I still love my crooked set of teeth. The first line of our daily prayer at NDA went like this ‘ Oh God, help us to keep ourselves physically fit, mentally alert and morally straight…. “ My own unsaid prayer went, “ …keep me mentally straight and dentally crooked , so that I may proceed to CMDC, Pune……….

Genesis of an innovation

What sparks an innovation ? Does it always require a genius ? The other day, I while scrolling through an endless stream of facebook jokes, and I came across this. “ A lady (could have been a gentleman) complained at a computer shop, claiming that the new laptop computer she had bought would not carry … Continue reading “Genesis of an innovation”

What sparks an innovation ? Does it always require a genius ?

The other day, I while scrolling through an endless stream of facebook jokes, and I came across this.

“ A lady (could have been a gentleman) complained at a computer shop, claiming that the new laptop computer she had bought would not carry out even the basic functions. On enquiry she explained that she was not able to copy a file from her old laptop to the new one. When asked how exactly she proceeded to carry out this task, she explained,

“I right clicked on the file icon on the old laptop, unplugged the mouse, carefully took it to the new laptop and plugged it and did a right click paste”

The salesman fainted.

The joke was followed by typical facebook responses ; ‘haha’, ‘LOL’, ‘ROFL’ etc. Amidst all that what caught my attention was the comment “That’s an interesting idea, a mouse with a memory”.

It got me thinking.

People who were very comfortable using the command line interface designed the Graphical User Interface for the not so tech-savvy users to click their way through the digital world. Till today, many Unix/Linux users cannot understand how ‘ten clicks’ can be easier to do than a simple command on the terminal. The aim is to design a ‘user-friendly’ device.

Find out what an user is doing , and make your device work to such behaviour, and you have the ultimate user-friendly device.

Why can’t we have a mouse with a memory? After all we have an internet dongle with memory and storage space of its own? Make it a wireless mouse and it would be a ‘wow’ gadget. Point at a file, do a right –click copy , put it into your pocket and now you are ready to do a right-click paste – transfer to any other PC !

As for the cyber-security police , it would mean a terrible nightmare.

Coming back to the question what sparks an innovation, may be it does not need a spark of genius, even a spark of acute idiocy would do.

A Fauji and his Rank

In a strictly hierarchical system, comfort is, knowing where exactly one fits in. A man in uniform is quite uncomfortable in a flattish organisation, where people don’t give or take orders unquestioningly. That is why, when the stars and stripes on the shoulders look similar, people discretely look for the service number or date of commission to ascertain the correct pecking order.(chapati seniority as they say in army) . Literally you can’t even move a step forward , as you wouldn’t know whether to walk to the left or right of a person if you don’t know the inter se seniority.! A senior always walks to the right of his junior. (may be that is why a south indian bride stands on the right, while in the West, the bride stands on the left !)

As a sixteen year old, when I entered my squadron in the NDA (National Defence Academy) I got a welcome bark from a senior, “what’s your name ?” “muralidharan”, I replied. “what muralidharan ? Bloody Bhangi muralidharan ? Get rolling. So I got rolling, and kept rolling till another boy, who had joined a day earlier was called up to demonstrate the correct response “Cadet Rakesh Marwaha , Sir”. Oh , so I see . That is how it started and till today, I have always had a tag of cadet, GC (gentleman cadet) capt, major, whatever. Finally it will be col (retd), as for a military man ‘stars and stripes are forever . No one is so attached to his rank as an army man.

Back home, there are people who generally refer to me by the rank I held when I first met them. I remember being asked as to how I got this ‘pattam’ (pattam in Tamil roughly means a title) . It is understandable as , for many tamilians, the only major is major sunderrajan and the only capt is capt vijaykanth; both actors got their titles playing the roles of army men on screen / stage.

Once a hostess from non army background, in a party, repeatedly called a major general as major. She had to be taken aside by the husband to explain the huge difference between a major and a general. She quickly apologized, but had the presence of mind to coo “ Oh.. General, but you look soooo.. young”

That reminds me of a briefing at the academy for an important tactical exercise. Commandant, who was a Major General, addressed the cadets, stressing on the importance of training and tactical exercises. Once he left, a tall, big mustached Major stepped up and bellowed “ok… now that the General has given the general points, note down the bloody MAJOR points if you want to save your ****”

Having settled in a retired officers colony, I hardly hear anyone being referred to, without the rank tag; and sometimes it comes in handy to differentiate, as between Gen Jetley and Col Jetley. I personally feel , the earlier one can shrug off this tag better it is, at least after retirement. In uniform , one is used to getting saluted, not ignored or challenged . In the civvies street even a lowly security guard may behave rudely, unless of course you are Amitabh Bachan or Sachin Tendulkar. As a civilian one is in a better position to handle it than as a retired “General Officer”. After all we are all civilians except for the brief period of 20-30 years when in uniform.

risk profile :army

The piece was written during the course of a month long LRP (Long Range Patrol), at an altitude of about 15000-16000 feet, circa 1996. It was written in bits and pieces, in the scrap book, in field shelters. The immediate trigger was the number of standard operating procedures army has in place , to avoid / counter all conceivable hazards like avalanche, blizzard, flash floods, frost bite , HYPO (High Altitude Pulmonary Oedema), fire hazards and carbon monoxide poisoning from ‘sigris’ and of course enemy action. At times you wonder as to which was more hazardous, whether the avalanche or the restrictions imposed by ‘measures to avoid avalanche’ .

Nothing much has changed in the last 16 years and I haven’t changed anything but for some annotations for civilian friends, since it is a typical military format.

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE TO AVOID BED CASUALTIES IN ARMY

General

1. Consequent to a comprehensive in-depth study carried out by (Management of Information System (MIS) Army HQ, it has been revealed that over 90% of fatal casualties in the army, in peace time, occurs in bed. Even in stray cases where the victims lost consciousness else where the actual death occurred only in bed. Hence forth all these casualties will be termed as bed casualties. While it is an indisputable fact that bed casualties can be totally done away by avoiding beds all together, a point to be taken note of is that human beings are more inclined to adapt a horizontal configuration wheresoever and when ever possible. As a humane approach to the issue, it is proposed to make ‘going to bed ‘ as safe as possible.

Aim

These instructions lay down guidelines for minimizing bed casualties in the army.

Responsibility

Minimising bed casualties will be a command responsibility and commander at all levels will be held accountable , meaning end of the career, for any lapses.

Bed Hours

It is an obvious fact that minimum hours in bed (named bed hours) will ultimately result in minimising bed casualties. It is desirable that bed hours are restricted to 4-6 hours per day and bed hours for various personnel in the unit be staggered to minimise risk of bed casualties at a any given time.

Communication

5. In the age of information and communication, this factor cannot be overemphasized. All personnel going to bed should be provided good communication. However due to paucity of resources in the first phase, communication will be provided only up to battalion commander level. Meanwhile to tide over the situation, line beddings(line bedding, for my civilian friends is an essential item of a soldier’s kit, mainly for tying up his bedding but used multipurpose like, putting up a bivouac, making a stretcher, communication between fire trenches etc) will be used for inter bed communication. Master general of Ordnance (MGO branch has confirmed availability of sufficient stock of line bedding (LP) in their depots. MGO branch will issue separate instructions for demand issue and replacement of these items.

Rescue Party

6. All personnel going to bed will be covered by a rescue party located in situ, ab initio ; they will also be provided communication as Para 5 above. The details of duties of rescue party will be incorporated in the unit SOPs.

Medical

7. A thorough medical check up will be carried out in respect of all personnel before going to bed and after waking up. Units will maintain records and these records will be put up to visiting senior officers.

First Aid

8. Any personnel having any complaint while in bed will immediately be pulled out of the bed and brought to sitting or standing position. Meanwhile help will be called for.

Bunker Collapse

9. There have been instances where in personnel have been choked to death due to bunker collapse while in bed, in the field areas. The Engineer in Chief Branch has been tasked to explore the feasibility of replacing the CGI(Corrugated Galvanized Iron) sheets with paper and the ballies with sarkanda to prevent such occurrences (any takers for AVSM)

Hospitals

10. MIS has also pointed out that most of the bed casualties occurs in hospitals. It is proposed to remove all beds from hosp and convert the hospitals to STCs ( Standing Treatment Centers). Medical directorate has been tasked to work out the modalities.

Standing Court of Inquiry

11. All Station HQ (Formation HQ where Station HQ is not co located) will order standing C of I to investigate all cases of bed casualties

Reports and Returns

12. To efficiently monitor the entire op, it is directed that all commands forward a report as per format att (not to all) every qr. The first report should reach this HQ by 01 apr 1996.

Conclusion

13. These instructions are only some basic guidelines to minimise bed casualties . Imaginative and innovative methods have to be evolved keeping in view the overall picture in mind. With a concerted effort, Indian army would prove to be a shining example in this field, for the entire nation.

what is for ‘touching’

At home, whenever there is a talk of a meal / tiffin there is always the question of ‘ thottukka enna ?’ (for the benefit of non tamil speaking, thottukka literally means ‘touching’) , but it is one of those untranslatable words associated with the way some people eat. It is best explained in a … Continue reading “what is for ‘touching’”

It is best explained in a scene in the tamil movie ‘nala dhamayanti’. A customs official opens a jar of pickles and asks, ‘ something eatable’ ; the pallakkad brahman is mortified; and he exclaims in a thickly accented english ‘no no no no, not eating.. only touching.”

It is not seasoning, not garnishing or anything like that. Typically, when you have curd rice with your fingers that have just touched a dollop of pickle, well that is ‘thottuka’,

Some people call it a side dish. but it is more than just that. it complements the main dish from taste, texture, nutrition and health point of view.

There is strict code for what can go with what . There is virtually not a single preparation that is complete in itself. What is idli without the coconut chutney or curd rice without a dollop of pickle, particularly, lemon or better still, dry sweet lime pickle.

How can one have adai with sambhar? For a Tanjavoor brahmin, it is sheer blasphemy to have adai with anything other than jaggery or butter.

Curd rice being the most important dish for the ‘Tambra’s has a great many items to go with it. Just the sight of makali kizhangu kindles one’s appetite so much that you end up having double the portion of curd rice; after all you cannot have makali kizhangu without curd rice.

While ‘touching’ is so important while eating, at times, a simple touch can render a whole meal uneatable. Here, we come to the concept of echil (avoiding contact with saliva, like while sipping from a tumbler) and pathu (segregating cooked food from uncooked food).

most people can never understand the nuances. But a tamil brahmin can never understand as to

how can you drink water from a bottle or a glass on which some one else has put his or her lips to ?
how can you pass around a cake or a sweet for everyone to take a bite from ?
how can you wash the utensils in a sink where someone has just gargled after a meal ?

tail-piece

an american, the story goes, was offered a makke ki roti with saag on top. He ate the saag with a spoon and returned the ‘plate’ to his host.

Another Sign Post at Mhow

Travails of A Tambi in Jat Regiment

(The article was published in the Regimental magazine JATVEER, years back, titled “travels of a thambi” [an inadvertent spell check] The magazine had to be dug up by my daughter, dusted, reclaimed , typed out again and finaly I had to be coaxed to upload it here.) In IMA, when the allotment of arms was … Continue reading “Travails of A Tambi in Jat Regiment”

(The article was published in the Regimental magazine JATVEER, years back, titled “travels of a thambi” [an inadvertent spell check] The magazine had to be dug up by my daughter, dusted, reclaimed , typed out again and finaly I had to be coaxed to upload it here.)

In IMA, when the allotment of arms was announced I was a bit apprehensive as well as elated; elated because my first choice was JATs and basically I had no doubts about finding my place in the battalion. However being from the south of Vindhyas I was a little worried if the latitudinal difference may result in an attitudinal difference, complicating matters. Whatever be, I told myself that I should have no problems with JATs or they with me. After all I knew Hindi well, or so I thought. I could play a good game of basketball and I had learnt enough about soldiering in NDA and IMA.

The reality struck as soon as I reported to the Unit. The Hindi I knew had not prepared me for a satisfactory verbal communication in the Unit. I learnt that “adjutant saab yaad kar rahe hain” meant that I had been summoned forthwith and that “gaari aa rahi hai” meant that the vehhicle had been waiting for me over an hour. The real shock came when I overhead my helper telling someone that “saab ko kuchh bhi bera nahi, saab ka disciple thik rakha bari mushkil hai”. What he meant was that I understood nothing and that it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to ensure that I was at the right place at the right time in the right dress.

The play fields required no verbal communication and I thought I would fare better. At the basketball court, I never had any illusions about the limitations imposed by my height or the lack of it. At five seven I never aspired to be part of the national team but I could always make my presence felt in the court by speed and skill. Here I found that not only was every player a six footer, but I remained a clear six inches below the plane where the ball was in play.

Coming to the aspect of professional soldiering, the issue requires a little anecdote to bring out the attitude of JATs toward training. It was a long drawn training exercise wherein the division was required to advance across multiple obstacles. After a particulary hard day of assault, the company was required to dig in for the night. One of the platoons, I noticed was taking it a little too easy and in the morning I was surprised to find the platoon in fully prepared defences. I realized what had happened only when a JCO of the neighbouring Unit, a battalion of the MADRAS regiment complained that our men had quietly occupied their defences for the morning inspection.

My Platoon Hav was nonchalant, “ke baat se, hum ne ‘stand to'(morning inspection or a state of readiness) kar lia, abhi aap kar lo” I was nonplussed. Here was a regiment that had won the ARA (Army Rifles Association) Championship for the year, and yet the men were taking the training so casualy. Again I recalled that even in the formation the Unit won most of the sports and training competitions, which was not possible without dedication and hardwork.I later realized that “The Chaudhary” did not like to follow rules and regulations just because “ Rules are to be followed”. You have to have a tactical objective or a Prize. it was not that things did not get done. You can show him the objective and he will reach there, but it is extremely difficult to explain to him why he cannot smoke a bidi in the excercise area when there were no live bullets being fired.

All these incidents happened in the first year of my service. The language barrier was the easiest to overcome. About games I soon realized that it was not just basket ball, but even while playing football, the JATs believed in keeping the ball high. The logic was that the higher you kick the ball, more time you get to reach under the ball. Ultimately a fine game of soccer is turmed into a game of endurance. Again it was a difference in attitude. Strengh was worshipped. Winning a game with strength was better appreciated than scoring points through skill. This attitude is best demonstrated in boxing in which winning by knock out is more apreciated than winning through points. Once you understand this attitude, it is fun to be in th Unit. Before I conclude, let me confide about a shortcut to impress the JATs.

This is one field in which I could reach nowhere near the the acceptable standards. It is about how much raw milk and ghee one can consume.

Gen Thimayya writes in his memoirs that, in 1947, while the Indian and the Pakistani commanders were busy discussing the situation on the borders, their helpers were equally absorbed in a discussion on the quality of milk on either side. All said and done, looking back, today I can say with pride, “if I am given an option again, again I will opt for the JATs.”

user friendly

What is user-friendly ? I think it is one of the much used and misused words these days. Who is the user who decides whether ‘something is user friendly’ or not. I remember the days in the academy, when every tactical exercise involved a briefing in hindi or hindusthani to be precise . Whenever you … Continue reading “user friendly”

What is user-friendly ?

I think it is one of the much used and misused words these days.

Who is the user who decides whether ‘something is user friendly’ or not.

I remember the days in the academy, when every tactical exercise involved a briefing in hindi or hindusthani to be precise . Whenever you left out some details, the instructors were always quick to point out, “Don’t assume anything, don’t leave out the details, remember, Sepoy Bhoop Singh has to understand”. So, Sepoy Bhoop Singh was the bench mark and you addressed your briefing to him so that he finds the orders “user-friendly”.

Later while serving as staff officer to senior officers , you heard, “I don’t have time, just put it in one page or better still a 5 minute presentation” here it was not Sepoy Bhoop Singh , but General Sher Singh who demanded a user-friendly brief.

(Do the generals really lack time, and if so, how is it they are able to devote hours at the golf course and at parties ? My own suspicion is that after their own brief making days, they have now totally lost the ability to read and comprehend anything beyond one page or any presentation without the user-friendly images.)

Why is it that I find the traffic in any city not at all user-friendly ? Every vehicle on the road seem to be hell bent on running into my car, and every sign post is placed in such a way that I see it only after taking a wrong turn. Oh, No my driving is not all that bad, it is just that the environment is not user-friendly, expecting me to keep my eyes and ears open and expecting me to concentrate. In a user-friendly environment I would just have to think of reaching a particular place and I should be there, after all it is the latest model car.

When you develop a software which requires the user to answer difficult questions like in which format one wished to save the file , or for that matter when you expect the user to enter the current time or date in a particular format, you come under fire for making a not so user-friendly stuff. Secretly, software developers call the so called user-friendly software as idiot friendly.

Just assume that you are making software for idiots and you will never go wrong; may be for the proverbial Sepoy Bhoop Singh.

Can you call a banana not so user-friendly fruit because it just would not peel itself and somehow find its way into your mouth that you have thought fully kept open?

Somehow when it comes to computers we end up doing exactly that.

Category: Humour